While I was vacationing in northern Utah by Bear Lake, I came across a book by Ester Rasband entitled, “confronting the myth of self-esteem.” There were several principles that truly touched me as I read the book, but the one that stayed with me the very most, and has been invaluable to others, is the brilliant psychology of shifting your mindset from wanting to be valued by others, to being valuable to others. Individuals who live by the “I want/need to be valued by others” mantra, increase their risk for
- emotional instability,
- a constant worry about what others are thinking and feeling about them,
- a feeling of lack of control over their lives and emotions,
- a dependency on others to feel good about themselves and their life,
- and a tendency to personalize other people’s mistakes by turning them into whether they care of don’t care about them.
In a way their mantra is, “if you do this, feel this, think this, then that means you care and that i’m valuable, if you don’t, it means you don’t care, and that i’m not worth caring about.” This roller coaster like existence, of when others value me, i’m valuable and worthwhile is an incorrect and corrupt psychology, that at some point that individual has adopted. This obsession about what others are thinking and feeling will invariably lead to an extreme focus on external circumstances, and a lack of awareness and insight on what is happening internally. This often causes the individual to be critical of others, to blame others for their own emotional state and circumstances, to pressure the people around them to feel in certain ways, and to be overly controlling of environment and people. This makes good logical sense, because these people see their well-being and happiness as originating from outside of them, thus they will attempt to manage and control the outside environment to feel better.
Shift from “am I valued?”, to “how can I be valuable?”
These individuals are constantly measuring and keeping tabs on whether other people are doing things that show that they value them. Because of their dependence on being valued by others, they will obsess about, and engage in mind reading, and jump to assumptions about what other people are feeling about them. This state of dependence will be exacerbated as they become stuck in a negative feedback loop of questions that foster a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. Questions like, “why doesn’t anybody care?” or “why am I the only one who cares around here?” These dead-end, poisonous questions will further bury the individual into their blindness, and helplessness about their life. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it. The water is always sipping out. Placing my sense of worth on another’s perspective of me, is much like placing my sense of worth in relation to the stock market. This “dow jones” like existence will often frustrate spouses and friends who wonder if “anything will ever be enough!”
But this isn’t a witch hunt! As difficult as these words are to hear for some of you, I don’t blame you or condemn you for thinking and feeling this way. I can see how individuals become stuck in this mindset. I get stuck in this type of psychology at times! It’s not fun believing and feeling what I’ve spent three paragraphs explaining. Three things need to happen for people to shift away from this internal corruption.
- Fully accept the reality that our value as individuals is set to high. Like a colleague of mine used to say, “God only makes porsches.” Our worth and value is not variable, or dependent on other people’s opinions, approval, or even our actions! We are valuable because we are children of God, unlimited, eternal. Not even our scandalous behavior can remove us from this standing. Valuable is who I am… it’s who you are!
- We need to recognize that our potential is nearly unlimited. This doesn’t mean that I can be a Michael Jordan, or an Einstein, but that with focus and attention, we can expand in almost any possible way we choose. In addition, change can happen in a minute! I’ve watched individuals make immediate changes that had a dramatic impact in the totality of their lives.
- We need to shift our attention and energy to “how can I be valuable to others, and the circumstances around me?” Let’s get out of the helpless and hopeless pit of “how can i be valued?” to the empowering philosophy that I can be valuable immediately… right now! Funny to find that when I’m valuable to others and the circumstances around me, that the value from others naturally ensues.
Our worth and value is not variable or dependent on other people’s opinions, approval, or even our actions! We are valuable because we are children of God, unlimited, eternal. Not even our scandalous behavior can remove us from this standing. Valuable is who I am… It’s who you are!
Commit to shifting away from the dependent, erratic, and uncertain philosophy that we must be valued, that we deserve (D-Bomb) to be valued!. While it may be true, that to love, and to be loved by others is our most significant spiritual and biological need, chasing it obsessively only creates the opposite outcome. I’ve found that the more needy someone is, the less likely they are to receive quality love from others. Value from others, much like happiness and peace, must ensue as the natural outcome of living a life that is kind, loving, caring, forgiving, purposeful, and giving. So let’s get to it… and start asking and responding to the question, “how can I be valuable, right now?”
Funny to find that when I’m valuable to others and the circumstances around me, that the value from others naturally ensues.
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