“The darkness is in our eyes”
Objectives: 1) Recognize and understand what thinking errors are; 2) How they poison you and your relationships; 3) Why, and How to “clean up” your thinking!
Our cognition is of such great import! Our ability to to take in stimuli (external or internal events) and to give it meaning, stands as Viktor Frankl eloquently claimed, “the last human freedom”, the ability to write our own story regardless of the circumstances. There is great power in our ability to interpret and define life as it occurs around us.
Yet, if everything is up to our interpretation and definition (moral relativism) is there such a thing as truth or an objective reality? Yes, truth exists as a reality that transcends one’s interpretation and/or opinion. Thinking errors then, distort the truth that is occurring outside and inside of us. So let me give you some mental tools that will help you construct your life and relationships firmly grounded on the bedrock of reality. In addition i will show you how you can be more exact with your language and how you can accurately interpret what is occurring inside/outside of you. So, without further ado, here are 3 of the 10 most commonly used thinking errors:
1. Mind-reading: If you are a mind reader, you presume to read other people’s thoughts, their intentions, their feelings, and even to know their character. You likely identify yourself as a good judge of character, or part of some superior race that is able to predict one’s thoughts, and feel what others are feeling… well, you are not! Please, give up this idea and find your way out of this “twilight zone.” Not only can this have disastrous consequences for you, but it will completely exasperate those around you. Why?… Because you cannot fully separate yourself from our personal experience, knowledge, and biases. It’s impossible to fully give up mind-reading, in part because your brain instinctively does this to protect you, and to help you prepare for what may come. By recognizing this organic process within us, we can become liberated from it, or at least develop the freedom to respond to it or not. I can consider what my brain tells me, though i don’t have to accept it fully as fact. This is a powerful concept that you need to understand in order to fully clean up your thinking. Here is my advice for you, don’t pretend to know how your partner feels, what they are thinking, what people in the room are thinking or saying about you, or whether someone intended to do this or that… You are tripping! It’s pure craziness! I don’t mean to take it lightly, but imagine having an argument with someone like this; “honey I didn’t mean it that way,” “yes you did, I know what you meant by that, you were trying to say…” Here is another, “these people think that I’m a total loser, they are constantly judging me, saying things about me… They don’t like me.” Now if you hear yourself or your partner in these examples, don’t be overly harsh. It’s not fun to be oppressed by thoughts and feelings like that day in and day out. Respond in kindness and compassion, and plead with them to fully hear you. If you notice that these tendencies are in you, make a commitment to give up this supernatural vampiric ability, and 1) radically accept that you don’t have a clue (95% of the time) about what people are thinking or intending to do, and 2) ask questions and listen, that’s the only way you will actually find out what’s going on in someone’s mind. One more thing, perhaps the greatest danger in mind-reading, and many of the other thinking errors that you will read about, is that they create a feeling of helplessness and being stuck. For heaven’s sake, we can barely control our own thoughts and feelings! To attempt to read, and predict those in others is sheer lunacy, and will certainly lead to feelings of despair. So from now on, leave mind-reading to magicians and party tricks, and begin to listen better, and to ask better questions.
2. Generalizing: At the crux of generalizing is the fact that these people base their present and future existence in past experience. It immediately negates hope, by assigning the past to the present. It can be incredibly painful and hopeless to argue with people who carelessly use incorrect statements like this. One will likely feel that their efforts are meaningless, and that the other partner is impossible to please. Here is the message that is conveyed, “you sucked then, you suck now, you’ll suck later!” Once again, I don’t blame people who use this style of language, I recognize that these are just unconscious programs that are running in the background, often times outside of their awareness and without a full understanding of the harm they can cause. Consider this the wake up call, the call for you to recognize how and when you use this painful and demoralizing pattern of communication. Express yourself in the present. “You were very rude to me today.” “I noticed you didn’t take out the trash, will you please do it now, or do it next week?” “Sometimes people are unreasonable.” “I didn’t get what I was hoping for today.” Do you recognize that in all of these statements, hope is present, and rehabilitation much more likely to occur. When you overwhelm your arguments with generalizations not only do you sound uninteligent and immature, but you negatively impact the outcome of the interaction. The goal is for you to become aware of the internal messages you are receiving, so that you can select those that will ultimately bless your life and the lives of those around you. The good news, is that when you know better, and you understand and accept the concept clearly, change is inevitable, and you will overcome. Stop time traveling to the past! Life is happening in front if you right now, begin to see experiences as events that are occurring now, not then.
3. Catastrophizing: This thinking error is the companion of every anxiety and depressive disorder. To best understand this distortion, we must know that our brain is like a magical virtual reality center. The images it produces, the tales it weaves, the thoughts and feelings that are created, all seem factual and realistic! So realistic in fact, that your brain completely buys into it, and begins to react to it with a nice dose of anxiety, and panic. When your brain becomes flooded with catastrophic “what if…” statements that fill you with panic and dread, or deprecating and hopeless declarations about the past and future, you are in the grasp of this frightful beast. So what do you do in this situation? How can you use your mind to respond to your brain that is overreacting and acting like a total drama queen? Well, there are two philosophies that you must adopt from this moment forward. 1) Your brain doesn’t always tell the truth, and 2) Resist the temptation to time travel to the past and future (the past is done, and the future doesn’t even exist yet), and plan your feet, and mind solidly in the present moment. Remember that you are HERE, and the time is NOW. The best way to bring yourself back from a scandalous future, or a failed past, is to ask better questions. Questions are so important! They have the ability to guide and focus your mind and your brain. Notice that when you’re engaging in catastrophic “what if” thinking, all you are doing is asking questions, and that your brain is obliging you with improbable scenarios in response to the question. So why not ask better questions that keep you here, now, and in power… Yes, that is exactly what you will do! Try these questions:
- “What can i do right now?”
- “What am I missing , what am i not noticing that is meaningful this instant?”
- “How can I enjoy this moment right now, and make it a blessing for me and others?”
The Key is DO something else… MOVE… Seriously, get up and engage in something else! Your brain has become stuck, and doesn’t quite know how to shift gears out of this helpless state, you are going to help your brain, by manually shifting your thoughts and actions toward meaningful and purposeful behaviors. Not only will this teach your brain a much more effective way of dealing with improbable drama, but it will also place your mind, brain and body here in the present where you can reign supreme, and assume control of the situation. Now go and do!
Thank you for reading this post, know that these are only the first 3 thinking errors and you are already feeling more in control of your life! it’s beautiful. Join me to discover the remaining thinking errors that you are likely using and that are making your life a miserable existence, and probably driving everyone else around you completely batty! Be brave out there.
With courage,
Iuri Melo
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